THE FEATURE FILM ABOUT NEWCASTLE WINNING THE FAIRS CUP, OR RATHER WHAT HAPPENED WHEN THE ALIENS TRIED TO STEAL IT FROM THEM...
CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE FOUND AN EXCERPT FROM THE LETTER THAT POTENTIALLY COULD SPELL DOOM FOR US ALL. READ ON...
"...and so, in the name of Malcolm MacDonald's right foot, Wynn Davies' head, the leadership qualities of Bobby Moncur and all body parts of the great Alan Shearer, Newcastle United heroes one and all, I feel faith slipping away as yet another desperate season meanders pitifully on giving us only the barest of trophy cabinets containing little of interest except to spiders who fancy a quiet life. Although if there's one thing invading space creatures would come to this earth for it's to steal the most important victory artefact on the planet, The Inter Cities Fairs Cup.
Won by Newcastle United in 1969, It was a competition we qualified for by the back door, having saved enough cereal packet tops or something to enable entry into the tournament. As you will all no doubt recall, it has been empirically proven by many prominent scientific bodies, so much so that the proof appears in eminent and respected publications and journals such as National Geographic, Viz , Beano and Hello Magazine that any army or sports team marching with this most holy of holy relics before them will be invincible in battle.
Also, it will keep your razor blades sharper longer, prevent tramlines on trousers, magically revitalise broken mobile phones and resurrect the flavour of chewing gum left on the bedpost overnight. As if that isn't enough, it can translate from ancient Egyptian - the lower Cairo ghetto at the time of Hep Hoto - into the broadest Geordie. (e-mail us some of your own humorous capabilities of this Cup - we'll use the best in the film and you might just get a free t-shirt too!).
This Fairs Cup is no doubt infused with the true grit of true warrior spirit that has made our team one of the best in the Universe. So who needs to win more trophies when you have the greatest and most important artefact of all time nestling in your trophy cabinet? Not us! The Great Fairs Cup will keep us fulfilled for evermore... It is the finest trophy in the WHOLE ROTTEN SODDING GALAXY!!!! All we need now to make every true black 'n' white fan happy is to bring back Sir Bobby Robson as Manager!!! Bring back Sir Bobby, bring back Sir Bobby!..."
